Is Cyber-sex Cheating? Nah…
A lot of discussion is going on right now about porn on several of the boards and groups I belong to. Some women are very concerned about their husbands or boyfriends watching porn. These women don’t understand why they do it, and it makes them feel inadequate.
If porn is not an addiction for your guy then I personally see nothing wrong with it. Oversexed people need safe outlets for their raging libidos. It’s been my experience that oversexed men watch porn, and lusty women read erotica. Both can be used to enhance your sex life rather than detract from it. There’s certainly no reason to feel threatened by it, because it’s just a sexy form of fantasy. Nothing more.
Likewise, some lovers and spouses see cyber-sex as cheating. In fact a man emailed me about this yesterday morning. Then it came up in one of my groups in the afternoon, so I thought I’d address it here.
Okay, just about everyone knows I love cyber-sex and play with several of my harem men daily. Cyber-sex is a fun, safe outlet for oversexed men and women. Like I said, it’s just another sexy form of fantasy.
The man who asked me about it yesterday said he used to do cyber-sex before he married, and he always enjoyed it. But his wife sees it as cheating. He asked me what I thought about it, and I told him the truth.
So far all of the men I cyber-fuck are married. Some tell their wives about it, and it enriches their sex lives. What can I say? I have a habit of teasing the daylights out of these guys, and it makes them so horny they jump their wives more often. Yeah, their wives love me. Definitely, a win/win situation for everyone involved. *lusty grin*
But some of the men I play with have rather sexless marriages, yet they’ve chosen to stay married for one reason or another. In that case, their wives don’t know they do cyber-sex. I told the man yesterday not to rush into cyber-sex. He should think seriously about it, because it isn’t worth jeopardizing his marriage. I suggested it might be wiser for him to read erotica as a sexual outlet, considering his wife’s strong views against cyber-sex.
Cyber-sex should always be sexy fun, a playtime activity that enhances your sex life with your spouse or lover. Nothing more.
Unless you’re single. That’s a whole new ballgame. Then cyber-sex becomes part of the dating scene, and it’s an excellent way to get back in the swing of things sexually and to find new lovers.
As you know, I adore cyber-sex and play every day. Yes, Wes knows I do cyber-sex with a few of my harem men. But he has no problem with it. As far as he’s concerned, it’s just another way for the erotica novelist in me to express my sexuality through word-play. And he’s right.
Of course, he also knows it takes a bit of the edge off my raging libido. And that’s always a good thing (LOL). Can you imagine how horny I’d be if I weren’t cyber-fucking a few of my harem guys every day? Poor Wes! His sex life is already more active than most of his friends his age. And you know how he’s always accusing me of trying to kill him with sex. Without cyber-sex that might actually be true. Yikes! On the other hand, I can’t think of a better way to go, ya know? Yummy! *naughty grin*
Okay, gotta run. It’s time for one my harem guys to start cyber-fucking me this morning. Dear Goddess, I love being oversexed!!!
xoxo
Laura Stamps (c)
Author of Erotica and Paranormal Romance Novels
http://www.LauraStamps.blogspot.com (excerpts from all of my novels)
http://laura-stamps8.livejournal.com (my naughty Author Blog/updated daily)
Laura Stamps (c)
Author of Erotica and Paranormal Romance Novels
http://www.LauraStamps.blogspot.com (excerpts from all of my novels)
http://laura-stamps8.livejournal.com (my naughty Author Blog/updated daily)
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February 20th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
I think this is the most telling: Some tell their wives about it.
In my opinion, they ALL should tell their wives about it. If they don’t, that’s not good for the marriage. I think, as a wife, there would be a BIG difference between knowing my husband has regular cyber-sex with someone and being okay with it, and somehow finding out he’s been having cyber-sex for years and never knowing. That secretive behavior does smack of cheating.
I think one of the main factors in a marriage is good communication. If the sex life isn’t working out for some reason and he wants to cyber and she’s ok with it, go for it. Likewise with porn. But always communicate with your spouse. Maybe the guy’s unhappy in this sexless marriage, and he actually TALKS to his wife and finds out that hey! She is too! Then maybe they can work out the problem together.
My husband and I don’t cyber, but we do have a small porn collection. Not hiding it from each other means we both get to share it, and makes for a reallyfun evening (or entire afternoon, as was the case on New Year’s…)
Sorry it’s not that sexy, but that’s my opinion.
February 20th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
No, Jenn, I agree with you in theory. That’s why I advised that guy to give some serious thought to this and not do anything to jeopardize his marriage. Some of my harem guys are always surprised I talk to Wes about them. But, hey, as far as I’m concerned this is the kind of thing a husband or wife should know.
All marriages have different rules for what they consider “cheating.” The rule in my marriage is “look all you want, but don’t touch.” So that gives me a long leash and only physical contact would be considered cheating. But with that guy, cyber-sex is considered cheating, so I wanted him to consider that.
It’s like having affairs when you are married. Personally, that is not my thing, even though I get offers every month, sometimes more often. I made a promise when I married, and I’m keeping it. I know that may surprise some people because I am such a wild, oversexed slut, but I take my marriage vows seriously.
I wish like crazy the guys who don’t tell their wives they do cyber-sex with me would work to make their marriages more open with communication, because I’m such a romantic, and I want everyone to be happily married. But I do know these men in sexless marriages have tried to work things out for years with their wives, but because of financial issues and kids and all kinds of complicated stuff they have agreed to stay together and be miserable. That’s their choice.
Again, that’s not what I would like to see happen. You know me. I’m all about life being fun, and that goes for my marriage too. If it isn’t fun, then I work to change it, and anyone who has been reading my blog for the last few months knows I have gone through an intense crisis with my marriage lately and worked through it. Marriage ain’t easy (even after 30 years), but you gotta work at it. At least then, if you have to walk away, you know you did the best you could to make it work.
So thanks for your opinion! Not sexy, but one I agree with in theory. And I’ll tell you one thing. It is amazing to me how many unhappy marriages there are out there. Whew! I guess I see more than my share, because I am an erotica novelist and have such a large fan base, many of whom I network with every day so they tell me things. But it is shocking. And sad.
xoxo
Laura Stamps
Author of Erotica and Paranormal Romance Novels
http://www.LauraStamps.blogspot.com (excerpts from all of my novels)
http://laura-stamps8.livejournal.com (my naughty Author Blog/updated daily)
February 20th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
I’m a bit biased on this because I have had some bad experiences of stalkers and such online just from friendly (not sexual at ALL) chats. I know of people who have done cyber chats who were both single and married so I am talking from that experience. Personally, cyberchats don’t do a thing for me as I prefer the real thing. Personal preference for whatever it is worth.
I can honestly say that it does hurt if it is kept a secret and can harm the relationship. Why? Because if it is being done all secretive, then usually that means there is something wrong that needs to be addressed. And the person who is doing it secretively knows that otherwise why hide it and lie about it repeatedly? If a person honestly thinks it isn’t wrong, then there should be an open discussion with the wife/husband no matter HOW bad the situation is in their married life. From what i gather, these guys/gals say they have tried everything, but that is what THEY are saying to you. HOw do you know they aren’t lying? Plus, it is human nature to slant everything to make it more favorable to what that person wants.
It might be true and might not. If the marriage can’t be saved and they are staying in it for whatever reason, then honesty is still the best policy of what they are doing.
If both people in the relationship agree to it then there is nothing wrong with it. Just remember that not everyone is honest online. I know a few people who were shocked to find out who they were really cybering with months down the road. Also, any information you put online with that “trusted’ cyber partner can be used against you, especially if you are a private person or live in a conservative way that doesn’t allow for that type of experimentation or freedom.
As for myself, I do see it as a form of cheating if it isn’t agreed upon within a committed relationship. It isn’t like reading erotica. I’ll respectively disagree with you on that. Nor is it even safe fantasy as I have seen it take over a person’s life to where it damaged their marriage. Sort of like how porn addiction does. Also, sooner or later, the cyber pals usually want to meet up in real life and the fantasy starts to become real. Some can handle this and know their limits. Some don’t and end up hurting everyone involved.
Plus, I know how I would feel if I knew my husband was using some sexy flirtying chat with another woman online to “rev” himself up for me. For me, it would be like being used. There is none of the emotional bonds there as it would be like having a threesome except without the benefit of me getting anything from that other person.
Hmm…re-reading that part, I hope that makes sense as I am not sure if I am conveying it right.
So for whatever it is worth, I think cyberchatting can go either way. Bad or good. Just depends on the people involved and how the situation is handled. Pretty much like anything in life.
February 22nd, 2009 at 12:59 am
When a person becomes emotionally/physically invested, then it becomes a problem. Or gets into really dodgy stuff, like porn that involves animals and children.
Other than that, as long as everyone’s down with it, why not?
February 22nd, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Exactly!!!
xoxo
Laura Stamps
Author of Erotica and Paranormal Romance Novels
http://www.LauraStamps.blogspot.com (excerpts from all of my novels)
http://laura-stamps8.livejournal.com (my naughty Author Blog/updated daily)