Sorry, Ladies, But I Divorced the Uber Last Night
Yeah, I got busted. Here’s what happened. The Uber came home spitting mad last night. It seems Gus, his buddy in Charleston (yeah, Gus, you are in deep doo-doo with me today! *LOL*) went fishing with Mike, one of the Uber’s customers in Columbia. You know how it is. It’s kinda boring out there in a boat on the water, so they started talking, and Gus told Mike about this naughty blog.
Yesterday Mike found my blog on the web, read some posts, and laughed like crazy. Then he told everyone in his office about it. Word finally reached the owner of the company, Russell, who is one of the Uber’s best friends. He found this blog, read for an hour or so, and laughed like crazy. Then he called the Uber.
Uh-oh. He asked the Uber if he had read my blog, which of course he hasn’t, because he doesn’t want to know what I write on here. Too scary. Russell then proceeded to "enlighten" the Uber (thanks, Russell). Russell even mentioned he thought I was going through "the Change," and I had lost my mind. Sorry Russell, I’ve already been through the Change, and this is the REAL me. Scary, I know. *lusty grin*
Unfortunately, Russell also suggested the Uber’s boss in Charleston (a fundamentalist Christian and another Uber) would freak if he saw my hysterically funny, oversexed blog, and he might even fire the Uber over it. Uh-oh.
Well, that did it. The Uber went into a hissy-fit the size of a Category 5 Hurricane. When he got home he screamed and lectured me continuously for almost an hour. I kid you not. All the way to the restaurant for dinner and halfway through our meal. Yes, he even mentioned the Apocalypse and the end of the world.
The only reason he stopped is because I had this goofy grin on my face the entire time. Really. I couldn’t help myself. "Why are you smiling!" the Uber boomed, narrowing his eyes and glaring at me. "This isn’t funny!"
I shrugged and kept grinning. "Because I’m always smiling," I replied. "You married a perpetually happy woman. What rotten luck for you." And then I smiled even more. Really. I just couldn’t help myself.
He got that look on his face like Oh-no-she’s-up-to-something. But at that moment the server parked herself at our table, and she and I started laughing about the advantages of being oversexed and my naughty holiday card (which she had been passing around the restaurant while we were eating).
I wish I could say the Uber calmed down after we left the restaurant but he didn’t. He quickly found three more subjects to rant about, and that lasted until I went to bed a few hours later. But not before I got the end of the world speech. Again. It’s no wonder the man has a racing heart, ya know? Duh.
So basically I was "ordered" to NEVER write about the Uber on this blog ever again under the threat of death. AND he is going to tell everyone who asks about me that he is married to a boring housewife, not a super-busy erotica novelist who works 56- 60 hours every week and has five publishers. *shakes my head*
But you know why I was smiling (well, besides the fact that his friends and customers loved my blog). Because I came up with Plan B. Yup, I divorced the Uber (from this blog) last night, and remarried as soon as my "divorce" was final. That’s right. And you’ll LOVE this new husband of mine, too.
So never fear. I’m still married to an Uber, only this time he’s a "fictional" one (there’s a lesson in this for "someone" about never messing with an oversexed Witch who is also a novelist, ya know?). Yeah, I realized this was a golden opportunity to create the husband of my dreams on this blog. Am I a lucky woman or what?!
Okay, my new husband is tall like the Uber (6′2"), but I shaved 40 pounds off of him. He’s 200 pounds, and has a lean, buff bod and a flat stomach (Yowza!). He’s still 56 like the Uber, but he has long blonde hair streaked with gray. Think Donnie at 56….yeah, this guy is my fantasy husband for sure. And his name is Wesley, but everyone calls him Wes.
So don’t worry, readers. You’ll still be hearing plenty about my sex life. The only difference is I divorced the Uber last night. Then I quickly remarried a totally yummy man named Wes. Dear Goddess, I’m going to LOVE fucking this guy!!
It’s like I always say. Life just gets better and better, ya know? *naughty grin*
xoxo
Laura Stamps (c)
Author of Erotica and Paranormal Romance Novels
http://www.LauraStamps.blogspot.com (excerpts from all of my novels)
http://laura-stamps8.livejournal.com (my naughty Author Blog/updated daily)
Laura Stamps (c)
Author of Erotica and Paranormal Romance Novels
http://www.LauraStamps.blogspot.com (excerpts from all of my novels)
http://laura-stamps8.livejournal.com (my naughty Author Blog/updated daily)
Entries (RSS)
December 16th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
LOL!! Are you sure you’re not evil?
December 16th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Wesley?
Laura….ROFLMAO! Why do I sorta feel sorry for the Uber…I mean Wesley?!
auntee
December 16th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
A new Uber?
Boy, is the old Uber ever going to be jealous! By any chance, is this guy built a lot like your original Uber when you met him? Hi, Wes! (I assume it’s okay for him to read the naughty blog?)
December 16th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Nope, not evil. But I am definitely a sin. No doubt about it. *naughty grin*
xoxo
Laura Stamps
Author of Erotica and Paranormal Romance Novels
http://www.LauraStamps.blogspot.com (excerpts from all of my novels)
http://laura-stamps8.livejournal.com (my naughty Author Blog/updated daily)
December 16th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
By the way, do you have a post or a checklist on how to handle alpha males?
December 16th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Laura, the 8th deadly sin. haha!
December 16th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Re: Wesley?
Probably because you should. He’s been extra nice to me all day, even volunteering to take me to my fav restaurant for dinner tonight, which he usually moans and complains about.
Then he came back to the house while I was getting ready this morning and asked me several times if I was mad at him (which I’m not). He said Russell has already called this morning, still laughing about my blog, and called the Uber a “stud.”
I did fire a hysterical email off to Gus this morning though. The Uber should be hearing from him sometime today.
Then Uber apologized several times for going ballistic last night. His excuse is he doesn’t “discuss” anything. Gee, who doesn’t know that?? ROFL
I told him not to worry. He’s out anyway. I have Wes now. And that man is totally yummy! *wicked grin*
xoxo
Laura Stamps
Author of Erotica and Paranormal Romance Novels
http://www.LauraStamps.blogspot.com (excerpts from all of my novels)
http://laura-stamps8.livejournal.com (my naughty Author Blog/updated daily)
December 16th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Re: A new Uber?
Wes looks a lot like Donnie (whom you will met and swoon over in “What Witches Want” Book 2). I’ll run a pic of Donnie tomorrow on the blog….LOVE him!
Yes, Wes reads my blog and likes it. I mean, what’s not to like, right? Everyone who reads it cracks up.
Anyway, I’m looking forward to getting really cozy with Wes. You know me. I always figured when I got divorced or widowed I would have a new man to fuck in two weeks or less. Of course I think I set a record last night in getting a new husband in two hours. But who’s complaining? Certainly not me! *lusty grin*
xoxo
Laura Stamps
Author of Erotica and Paranormal Romance Novels
http://www.LauraStamps.blogspot.com (excerpts from all of my novels)
http://laura-stamps8.livejournal.com (my naughty Author Blog/updated daily)
December 16th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Hmm. Off the top of my head here are some guidelines. Unfortunately, I was raised by two Ubers and then married one. I know. I need serious meds.
1.) Plan B. You always need an alternative plan, because Ubers can freak at any minute. Just think. When was the last time I needed Plan B? That’s right. Four days ago with the testosterone thing. So you need to be able to handle change well and think fast on your feet.
2.) Get your strokes somewhere else. Ubers don’t discuss anything. They don’t give strokes. They don’t do cuddly. They don’t discuss emotional stuff (they prefer to scream it). So make sure you have a harem of men that will tell you every day how desirable and sexy you are. We all need that, and you won’t get it from an Uber.
3.) Learn how to tune out screaming babies. Good practice for tuning out the daily screaming of an Uber.
4.) Man-Pampers. Always carry a big box with you. You’ll need them. Trust me.
5.) Have very high self-esteem. You’ll need it. Ubers will step on it every day and not even know they are doing it. Bless their hearts!
That’s all I can think of at the moment. Good luck traveling through Alpha-land!
xoxo
Laura Stamps (c)
Author of Erotica and Paranormal Romance Novels
http://www.LauraStamps.blogspot.com (excerpts from all of my novels)
http://laura-stamps8.livejournal.com (my naughty Author Blog/updated daily)
December 16th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Yup, that would be me! ROFL
xoxo
Laura Stamps
Author of Erotica and Paranormal Romance Novels
http://www.LauraStamps.blogspot.com (excerpts from all of my novels)
http://laura-stamps8.livejournal.com (my naughty Author Blog/updated daily)
December 16th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
*massive gigglefits* I love you. You ROCK.
December 16th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Now that’s a take on if life gives you lemons, make lemonade…
December 16th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Thanks! There are times when being a delusional novelist comes in reallllly handy. I think this is one of those times. And I’m looking forward to exploring and exploiting every inch of Wes’s yummy bod on this blog. Oh, yeah! *lusty grin*
xoxo
Laura Stamps
Author of Erotica and Paranormal Romance Novels
http://www.LauraStamps.blogspot.com (excerpts from all of my novels)
http://laura-stamps8.livejournal.com (my naughty Author Blog/updated daily)
December 16th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Dear Goddess, I have such a RICH fantasy life!! And you can’t get an sweeter than my new hubby, Wes. I’m really excited about this. Can you tell? *wicked grin*
xoxo
Laura Stamps
Author of Erotica and Paranormal Romance Novels
http://www.LauraStamps.blogspot.com (excerpts from all of my novels)
http://laura-stamps8.livejournal.com (my naughty Author Blog/updated daily)
December 16th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
*giggle* I look forward to reading it!
December 16th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
I’ve been quoted as saying that real life is overrated…If your fantasy life is anything like mine…sigh. I have fire retardent knickers especially made. And I can tell you’re excited…the hints are subtle, not. Heeeheeeee.
December 27th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
That’s wicked – he got his wish but now has to hear about your perfect dream man and I’m sure he’s feeling the pinch at being overlooked – but it’s his own fault! You mentioned on Goodreads that he’s still reading this blog – maybe he’ll pick up a few things to please you? hee hee!
December 27th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Fire-retardent knickers…I love it! I know. I’ve always been subtle. Not! ROFL
xoxo
Laura Stamps
Author of Erotica and Paranormal Romance Novels
http://www.LauraStamps.blogspot.com (excerpts from all of my novels)
http://laura-stamps8.livejournal.com (my naughty Author Blog/updated daily)
December 27th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Wonderful to hear from you (big wave!!)–
No pleasing the Uber, is there? Wes was perfectly happy to take up where he left off (and more *naughty grin*). But the Uber hates him for it. Oh, well. Maybe the Uber will pick up a few hints from Wes. I mean, it’s all about pleasing me, right? What more is there??? LOL
xoxo
Laura Stamps
Author of Erotica and Paranormal Romance Novels
http://www.LauraStamps.blogspot.com (excerpts from all of my novels)
http://laura-stamps8.livejournal.com (my naughty Author Blog/updated daily)